When a Child Tells You Something Happened: What Should You Do Next?
When a child tells you that someone has hurt them, abused them, touched them inappropriately, or made them feel unsafe, what happens in the next few minutes matters.
For many adults, the first reaction may be shock, anger, fear, confusion, or even disbelief. You may have questions immediately. You may want to know exactly what happened, when it happened and who was involved.
But in that moment, the child does not need an investigation from you. They need to know that speaking up was the right thing to do.
How you respond can affect whether the child continues to talk, whether they feel safe asking for help again, and how supported they feel through whatever happens next.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
1. Stay as calm as you can
Hearing that a child may have been abused can be upsetting, especially when the person involved is someone you know or trust.
But a very strong emotional reaction can frighten the child.
Crying uncontrollably, shouting, immediately confronting someone or saying things like, “How could this happen?” may make the child feel responsible for your distress.
You do not have to pretend that what you have heard is not serious. Simply try to remain calm enough for the child to continue speaking.
Give them your attention. Let them know you are listening.
2. Listen without interrogating
It is natural to want answers.
You may want to ask:
“What exactly did they do?”
“How many times did it happen?”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Are you sure?”
But repeated or leading questions can put pressure on a child and may affect how they remember or describe what happened.
Your job in that moment is not to investigate. Allow the child to speak in their own words and at their own pace.
You can use simple responses such as:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m listening.”
“You can tell me what you want me to know.”
If more detailed questioning is required, that should be handled by trained professionals.
3. Reassure the child that speaking up was the right thing to do
Children may stay silent about abuse for many reasons. They may be afraid of getting into trouble, they may have been threatened, they may even worry that nobody will believe them, or they may fear what will happen to their family.
Sometimes, they may not even fully understand that what happened to them was wrong. That is why one of the most important things you can communicate is:
You did the right thing by telling me.
A child who discloses abuse should never be made to feel responsible for what happened or for what may happen next.
4. Do not blame the child
Avoid questions or comments that can sound accusatory, even if that is not your intention.
Questions such as “Why did you go there?” or “Why didn’t you run away?” can make a child feel that they somehow caused what happened.
Abuse is the responsibility of the person who committed it.
Children respond to frightening or confusing situations in different ways. Some may freeze. Some may comply because they are afraid. Some may continue interacting with the person who harmed them, particularly if that person is a relative, caregiver, teacher or someone they depend on.
None of these responses makes the child responsible.
